As I lay here observing, how thoughts and states zap and drain certain energies inside of me, I see a play of fear and pride so undeniable. Fear of what? It only takes something small, but it threatens who I am or who I think I am, who others want me to be, who I think others want me to be, limits and expectations of how I define the “me myself”. And as soon as this little morsel of fear appears, pride comes to swallow it up, to reassure itself that its existence is crucial, that the “me myself” is of utmost importance and must justify an array of thoughts, emotions, and most of all attitudes that come up in response to drown out the fear.
Fear of change, fear of not being anything, fear of not having a rule or an image to go by, fear of just letting go. Fear that if I let go, I will disappear.
But I am so much deeper than this. I am deeper than a thought, an emotion, an observation. Releasing the old, dying to the old to again become new is difficult but it is the only way. Let go. Release yourself from the bondage of the Ego. Release yourself from the old ways and be born again into a life of meaning and truth, into a life where thoughts and observations are not Truth in and of themselves but where Truth is an experience so unpredictable and spontaneous that it can never be packaged into a formula. This is how I want to live my life. This is how I want to be. This is who I want to be. Not the afraid little boy putting on a front to cover up his fear of death. Dying. We all must die. Psychologically, to die is to live, and to hold on is to lose. It’s ironic I know.