By the time I moved in with my brother in late spring of 2006, turning 23 years old, I had more than enough experience with dreams, psychic faculties, and Alchemy to convince me of the merits of pursuing this path further. I had projected many times, had prophetic dreams, had very meaningful dreams, increased psychic faculties with mantras, and felt the power of the transmuted sexual energies. I had even called Belsebuub, the author of the courses, by name in the astral and had spoken with him.
Yet my life was still scattered. I was changing jobs every few months, I would still go to bars occasionally and have a few drinks, and overall my life just seemed somewhat directionless. I knew that I wanted to continue to explore this path I had been reading about, but when it came to everyday life I was still just an aimless child.
I had a chain which I’d wear around my neck daily which had an emblem of Jesus’s face on it. Before putting it on in the morning, I would say the words, “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” It was something I had picked up from Catholic church growing up, and for some reason it always rang very powerful with me. It was how I felt.
Back then, the courses were run just with PDF’s and some forums, and live in study centers in some major cities around the world. It was a rare occasion to see Belsebuub online, much less to hear him speak live. But during the months at my brother’s house he gave a few internet radio interviews which I would get up at any hour of the morning to listen to. Most of them were in Australian time zones since that’s where he was stationed at the time, and so the times would be awkward here in the states, but as long as I wasn’t working I would make sure I tuned in. I was ecstatic one day to get through with a question to him when he was giving a talk on dreams. They didn’t let me straight through, but they took my question and asked him for me. I had asked about a recurring symbol in my dreams, which was the cardinal directions (north, south, east, and west). They seemed to keep coming up regularly. Belsebuub suggested that I look into which direction my life was going. He didn’t say which way it was going, or which way it ought to go, just that I ought to look into which direction it was going.
I reflected on what Belsebuub said about looking into the direction of my life. That response meant more than the world to me.
After some time, in late summer 2006, my girlfriend and I decided to get an apartment together. Although I had assumed a type of commitment even from the beginnings in high school, now it was actually becoming a reality.